So this week has been tough! If you read my meditation Monday you will know that I’ve recently been for an interview and got rejected. With that in mind this week has been a nightmare for me. Ive bought healthy food, I’ve done meal plans I started off really great but then I keep going back to binging. Im going to try to be as honest as I can about my eating disorder in this post, but it is very hard for me.
If any of you guys out there have a binging eating disorder you know how tough it really can be. Ive been sat here trying to be positive and eat healthier but then the next moment ill be full on eating a whole bar of chocolate or 2 bags of crisps. All week since being rejected I’ve been binge eating, multiple times throughout the day. I feel great as I’m eating it all but then after I feel guilty because I know I’m going to have put on weight because of it. At one point in the week I decided to weight myself and I had gone up to 25 stone. At that moment my heart just sank and I felt awful. After weighing myself I said to myself today I’m not going to eat anything. Even though I hear all these stories about people starving themselves and I think how awful it is and that I would never do it, me saying to myself that I wasn’t going to eat that day didn’t faze me I didn’t think oh thats a terrible thing or anything. I just thought about how much weight I had put on and what I needed to do to get it down. Throughout that day I lasted till 4pm and got so hungry that I binged because I had starved myself. But that time I didn’t feel guilty about it because I had starved myself half the day to make it better. Which to anyone reading this, is 100% not the way!
So to say the least I have had a terrible week eating, I feel like thats what these blog posts have become and I hate it, but I feel like I should still put something out so that people can realise its ok and the first part is though and some people just really struggle. Thats why I keep posting these just in case I’m helping someone, and its also really good for me to just write about it and not keep it bottled up. I haven’t even told my partner that I tried to starve myself, I know he would go crazy especially because I’m going through treatment for my vitamin deficiency.
Ive been out walking once this week, I know its not a lot but it was great, it made me feel great and I loved being outside but I just couldn’t bring myself to exercise again. I follow this girl on instergram her instergram name is @mollypardee I think she’s from America but I’m not 100% sure on that so don’t quote me! She posts videos and pictures all the time of her exercising and doing yoga, she always seems very active and happy in life. I’m always so jealous that I’m not like that, and then I realise I can be like that. I can get up and exercise and do yoga and get loads of energy and feel fit, I just don’t have the go for it all. I don’t get up in the morning raring to go with it and I don’t know what I could do to get past that feeling. I would love to know how people get that feeling that they are going to change there body. Even though I do really badly want to.
Its official I need help.
Heres my current weight loss chart!
Starting Weight: 24 Stone 12.5 Pounds
Current Weight : 24 Stone 12 Pounds
How Much Weight Loss This Week : 0.5 Pounds
Total Weight Loss : 0.5 Pounds